Dear Admiral Motti,
We are gravely distressed by the systematic disregard for health and safety on the new Imperial battle station called the “Liberation Star.” Following our recent inspection, we will be recommending a full suspension of operations until these concerns are addressed. In its current state, the “Liberation Star” is probably more deadly to its personnel than the enemies of the Empire.
We expect the following problems will be remedied within the next 6 months, otherwise we will have to recommend a permanent shutdown.
1. Artificial gravity allocation (a.k.a. “god what’s with those bottomless chasms everywhere?”)
The Death Star uses artificial gravity generators. Any spherical object with the size and mass of a small moon would have its own gravity — “down” would be directed towards the station’s core. On the Liberation Star, as the Imperials like to call it, “down” is always directed toward the station’s south pole.
Our concern is rather obvious — why aren’t these generators turned off or just simply not installed beneath the station’s innumerable bottomless pits?
What’s even worse, the Empire doesn’t even keep records of all bottomless pit accidents. There’s not even an accident book. That’s unbelievable, considering that each of these pits is an accident waiting to happen!
Just think of it. Darth Maul? Bottomless pit (probably still in there). Darth Sidious? Bottomless pit. Han Solo? Bottomless pit. How many good (and evil) men and women have to die before the Empire finally does something about it?
Okay. Fine. I get it. Perhaps the station uses a single gravity generation to service the entire Death Star. Perhaps such generator cannot be used to provide gravity only to certain areas. But if that’s the case, then…
2. Why are there virtually NO RAILINGS around bottomless pits?
Even though there are no official reports, we’ve heard rumours. And boy, are they scary.
According to our data, at least 150 employees died in falls which could have been easily prevented by installation of railings and barriers. We suspect that many more incidents went unreported.
Bottomless chasms are obviously a signature feature of Imperial architecture (Hey, the Empire! You’ve got a lot to learn from the Rebel Alliance!), which makes the absence of safety railings even more criminal. Not so much as a “Watch Your Step” sign.
Oversights such as these make us wonder if the Galactic Empire employs any health and safety officers at all! Reportedly, the one who was responsible for the Death Star project was dismissed under suspicious circumstances.
Sure, any Imperial official will probably argue these facilities are mostly serviced by droids. Still, such explanation doesn’t stand when you consider the following…
3. Whose idea was it to shoot the super-laser down a manned accelerator tunnel?
How come that firing the station’s weapon requires the personnel to stand INSIDE THE BARREL OF THE DEATH STAR’S FREAKIN’ SUPER-LASER!
We are appalled at the utter disregard for stormtrooper lives that went into this design. Who thought it would be a good idea to build a weapon that requires at least 14 people stand within 3 meters of a laser powerful enough to destroy a 1/7 of a planet?
We’re talking 90 gigajoules/sec here! Each time the super-laser is fired, operators are exposed to about 10 000 rem. Exposure to a single blast results in loss of hair, teeth, and some other things that are too horrific to talk about.
These poor Imperial employees weren’t even issued any eye protection. Instead, they were instructed to shield their eyes with their hands “if the beam gets too bright for you.”
Moreover, there are no handrails yet again. The employees are expected to keep their balance on what looks like a platform of 3 square meters. According to some of the death bed interviews we’ve conducted, this was due to the fact the superiors “didn’t want to encourage leaning.”
This alone would be enough for us to recommend the battle station be shut down permanently. Yet, the list goes on.
4. Danger doors instead of safety doors.
Even though we only had limited material to work with, we were only an hour or so into our Death Star footage when we noticed a stormtrooper smash his head against a door. Imagine what happened in those thousands of hours we didn’t see.
How many stormtroopers will have to whack their heads running into rooms before the Emperor (or anyone, really) takes notice? At least, put a sign there.
Moreover, why do these doors close so rapidly? It’s only a matter of time when some slow-moving snail of a stormtrooper gets sliced into halves.
We understand that having rapidly closing blast doors can be useful in case of an explosion, but is it really so difficult to put a motion sensor in there for everyday use? We were told the Death Star is a top-of-the-line military structure. How come it isn’t equipped with something that can be seen in every grocery store nowadays?
5. Mouse droid infestation?
There also seem to be hordes of tiny wheeled robots weaving their way through the dense pedestrian traffic of the station’s corridors. They represent an abhorrent safety hazard and we are scandalised it has not been addressed yet.
You might as well litter the hallways with hundreds of randomly placed skateboards.
We have also received conflicting information as for what purpose these droids serve. Some employees said they were used to deliver messages. We must say we’re totally perplexed — why are you not using computer network for this?
Finally, we were informed these droids tend to explode when frightened with unexpected input. For heaven’s sake, these are the droids you use to guide civilian visitors around the station!
6. A waste disposal system taken straight out of a horror movie
The station’s waste disposal system has evidently already reached a condition of a substantial biohazard. Considering it has only recently become operational, we have reasons to believe the system’s capacity was misjudged from the outset.
How can we otherwise explain that only few weeks after the beginning of normal operation this part of the station is already swarming with dangerous Cephalopoda? If these are left unchecked, the infestation can spread to other parts of the Death Star. They would surely prove even greater nuisance than the ubiquitous mouse droids.
Still, we’re equally disconcerted about the fact that employees can accidentally fall into some of the garbage compactors. What’s more, the compactor doors are impossible to open from the inside. What is the standard procedure in a case of being stranded in a garbage compactor?
7. Missing hangar doors?
Try to imagine hundreds of white-clad stormtroopers slowly dispersing around the station like some kind of screaming Imperial confetti. That’s what would happen in the unlikely event of a power outage!
As we understand it, there is not even an evacuation procedure in place for that kind of event. Put doors on hangar bays.
We look forward, Admiral, to hearing your plan of action at our meeting next month. After all, both the military and health and safety personnel are here to help the Galactic Empire’s war effort. We will be expecting your full cooperation.
— Inspectors from the Imperial OSHA